How NOT to get ready for your big day

Okay, so this morning I was on a TV show called AM Northwest. And in the evening I am going to be speaking at the Oregon Book Awards.  Anxious? Me? Why yes.

I spend most of my days in workout clothes.  I wear makeup about twice a year.  I never learned how to walk in heels.  (I think it's too late.)

So I've been nervously anticipating these events.  This weekend I started doing my prep work.  Learn from my mistakes:

- on Saturday, at Kajukenbo class get paired with 13-year-old boy known [by me] as "Devil Child."  When instructed to "harmonize" with gentle sparring, Devil Child windmills his arms, raining blows, and laughs at resulting wincing, cowering.  Instructor yells, "Hit him!" to no avail.
- resulting bruises are going to make sleeveless dress problematic.

- realizing no one wears stockings any more, go to Target and purchase "shapewear" and self-tanner.
- go home and don shapewear. Styled like shorts (shorts made by Satan), they immediately roll up thighs and down belly, creating scary slabs of flash.
- discard idea of wearing shapewear and instead vow to suck in stomach (for hours on end if need be).
- test self-tanner on upper thigh.  Nearly too late, note that long streak of self-tanner has run down to calf.  Wipe up frantically with wad of wet toilet paper.
- on Sunday, wake up and note that self-tanner has made test spot on upper thigh a pale orange. Still better than normal, vampire-like skin tone.
- as an alternate plan, purchase Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs, which people on the internet claim miraculously covers up imperfections.
- try Sally Hansen at home.  Legs are still scary and veiny and seem no darker.
- shower and shave.  (Scant body hair means shaving is a rare occasion).  Since self-tanner recommends exfoliating, scrub legs vigorously with loofah.
- spray on self-tanner.
- slip on floor on which self-tanner has drifted.
- after legs dry, try on four pairs of black pants. Four pairs! How is it possible to have four pairs of black pants (that are not athletic pants) and still not like any of them?
- one hour later, legs begin to burn and itch. And look bumpy.  Can you say razor burn?
- hope that razor burned/orange legs will look sort of tan.

Wish me luck!

A frank message to Kotex (men - avert your eyes)

I'm all for improvements in basic everyday products. Henry Ford's cars only came in one color - black - and now they are available in a rainbow of hues. Men can wear shirts that are other colors than white.  Etc.

But I can guarantee you this:  I have never looked at feminine hygiene pads and thought: "Damn, I wish they came with designs!"

It's like they've run through the basic additional features - leak-proof, scented, specially made for different kinds of panties - and they just couldn't think of anything else.

I mean, who needs a design in a spot that is never going to be seen by anyone but you?  In a spot that will immediately be obscured?  Even toilet paper with designs can be seen by anyone who walks into your bathroom, but this has an audience of one.

One who doesn't care.

Even designer Depends (new jeans style, perhaps, like Pampers) make more sense.